True story, unfortunately

The Moon

An old fishing guide friend of mine once said, “You never know when the moon will come out”.  He said those words right before he mooned a skiff boat that ran the shore in front of about ten other boats all trying to scratch out a few trout on a tough day.  I remember how tan he was and how white his butt was.  It was strangely white compared to the rest of his weathered skin.  Anyway, we all got a good laugh and the guy in the skiff almost ran into the bank trying to figure out what he was looking at. 

Since that day, many years ago, the moon has come out often.  Usually it’s my doing but once in awhile it’s another guide.  It’s never a tourist.  It’s always funny to see the looks you get from the other boats staring at your backside.  One of my good friends actually makes pretty good money off my mooning.  Once I get close enough for everyone to see, he’ll tell his customers, “I’ll bet you $10 bucks that guy in that boat shows us his ass.”  Well, his folks don’t know me from Adam and what are the odds of a random boat driving by and some guy bends over and gives you the full shot in broad daylight?  They’re pretty good odds since we play this game every day.  His customers always “take” the bet and he waves his white flag behind their back (that let’s me know it’s on) and the show begins. 

The most famous moon of all time was delivered by yours truly.  I didn’t plan it, and wish I would have thought about it a little more before I did it.  It’s done now and I can’t go back and change history so maybe you’ll get a laugh out of it. 

It started with my new airboat engine that had 600 plus horsepower.  I was so proud of that thing.  It would go anywhere and get there really fast.  I had put in a Cove Harbor that day and it was Spring Break so there was a lot of people cleaning fish, eating at the restaurant that overlooked the bay and some folks were just milling around watching the events of the afternoon.  Well, I’m heading in from a good day of fishing with a family of four from somewhere ( I can’t remember everyone) and I decide to take a short cut to the boat ramp across a small flat in front of the restaurant and cleaning stand.  I was “showing off” my airboat and going to do a few donuts for the crowd.  When I turned the corner there was a sand bar there.  I knew it was there, I’ve done this hundreds of times, so I slowed down a little to ease over it before beginning my show.  I’m not sure what happened but the boat just stopped on the sand bar.  The engine was running, we just weren’t moving anymore.  A few of the 140 or so people saw me stop but none of them really knew what I was doing.  I stood up and looked down to see what the problem was.  To make a long story short, white sand and airboats don’t mix.  White sand is like super glue.  Airboats won’t budge off white sand, and I was sitting on top of a white sandbar.  No problem I thought.  This is exactly why I had a 600 horsepower engine built.  I’ll just give it a little gas and she’ll slide right off this sandbar.

I told my customers to hang on and we’ll be back on our way momentarily.  Not so.  I gave that boat as much gas as I could and it sounded like a NASCAR running at Talladega.  I now had the attention of all 140 or so people on the dock and in the restaurant.  I mean I had their full attention.  I let off the gas and turned off the engine.  The only way to move a stuck airboat is to lighten the load.  So I told my customers they would have to get out and stand in the water (it was only 3 or 4 inches deep) while I got the boat moving again.  I was a little embarrassed at this point.  The customers reluctantly stepped out and I set the coolers, anchor and anything else that had any weight to it in the water next to the boat.  It looked like a really strange yard sale out there.  No problem now I thought.  I revved that engine up as high as it would go and nothing.  Now I’m in trouble.  I’ve got a family standing in the water along with all our fishing equipment and a boat that won’t move.  People on the dock have called friends to come see the free show at Cove Harbor.  You could hear the boat roaring over two miles away I found out later. 

I didn’t know what else to do so I called two of my friends watching and laughing on the dock and said, “Hey come over here and help me shake this boat loose”.  To which they replied, “Hell no.  We don’t want anyone here to know we’re friends of yours.”  I begged and pleaded and finally went for the throat.  I said, “Ok, I’ll give each of you a case of beer to come help me”.  They were supersonic in two minutes.  They got out there and we rocked (push the bow back and forth while the boat is under power) the boat and she came off the sandbar.  I quickly put my people back in the boat and all the gear and we eased our way over towards the dock.  We still had a solid crowd of 150 or so all enjoying the show.  Once I got within about twenty yards of the cleaning stand and restaurant, I could see all the people in the restaurant standing at the windows like new parents staring at babies in the maternity ward.  The problem was they were all staring at me.  As I hit the channel to the dock the crowd started cheering for me and clapping.  I felt like a charity case.  I remember feeling the blood run to my face and it got very hot.  I saw one of my best friends click his heels together and salute me and something just blew.  I turned around on the top of the airboat, dropped my shorts to the bottom of my cheeks and realized immediately the clapping had stopped.  I slid my pants back up and it was dead silence.  I mean graveyard at midnight silence.  Then the crowd erupted in the wildest yells and hollers I’d ever heard.  I got a standing ovation for that one. The police were called, but luckily for me there’s a law somewhere that went to the Supreme Court in Florida that says, “If a woman can wear a thong, a man can show his butt”.   That’s the short version of that court case.  Anyway the officers explained to me that we were trying to show people a good time in Rockport and they would appreciate it if I didn’t show so much of a good time from now on.  If you go down to Cove Harbor and ask anyone who’s been around here for long about “some mooning incident”, they’ll tell you this same story from the ground perspective.  Anyway, I got my five minutes of fame by using my butt.